Thursday, August 26, 2010
Nothin Could Be Finer
While every state has it's good points (and I feel certain that South Carolina's good points far out-weigh the bad), there are obviously some counterpoints to consider as well. While the winters are moderate with the average yearly snowfall measured in number of flakes, not inches or even God forbid feet, the summers can be blisteringly hot with humidity that upon walking outside will smack you in the face like a sock full of quarters. Our politicians are almost always complete morons and it never fails that should the great state of South Carolina make national headlines you can bet that the dumbest, most illiterate, cockeyed and toothless red neck will be interviewed for the world to see, "What had happen'd wuz . . . " (Insert emphatic eye roll here.) But probably the worst part about South Carolina is the wildlife, yup I'm talking about the bugs. We have bugs here that people from other parts of the U.S. have never even HEARD of: fire ants, chiggers, Palmetto Bugs (which I affectionately refer to as Mutant Roach Spawns of Satan) just to name a few.
It is a darn good thing I have three fearless canines to protect me should I come upon one. So fearless, in fact, that yesterday when I did see one of the gargantuan cockroaches (insert inward shudder here), that they can't possibly see the problem with a bug the size of a Buick darting across the floor! Meanwhile I get all squeamish alternating between yelling, encouraging and desperately pleading w/ my dogs to kill it. And by this time I'm hopping frantically from foot to foot, b/c even while I have to pee like there's no tomorrow I am NOT going to drop trou in the same room w/ that creepy, crawly, crunchy vermin! While my voice gets higher pitched w/ every passing moment, my three dogs just continue to calmly observe me occasionally blinking and exchanging a questioning glance with each other as if to say, "What's got her panties in a wad?"
Seeing that the dogs are absolutely no help, I move on to Plan C. (Just to recap in case you missed it: Plan A = screaming bloody murder, Plan B = command the dogs to attack both of which are dismal failures bringing us to Plan C) I hectically scan the bathroom for something that might come in handy as a weapon, and my eyes alight on a pair of flip flops: ah-hah! Grabbing the flip-flops I fling the first one at the mutant bug and grabbing the second one I jump on to the counter (which wasn't easy and in my haste I'm fairly certain I pulled a muscle). With a banshee yell I fling the other flip-flop at the now wildly zig-zagging bug and . . . well, I miss, I missed by a lot. (I played soccer ok, not softball!) Thinking quickly I pushed a jar of face cream/sunscreen off the counter w/ my toe and SPLAT! Success! I immediately jumped off the counter and sidled by crusty carcass to the toilet for my sweet relief. But other than that I mean South Carolina really is the perfect place to live.